When You Go
by spelerison
Summary: Whatever Parker wanted she got... all she had to do was kiss him, swear that she missed him and down he'd go. Just like he had every time before.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I absolutely love playing with the idea of "What if?" or the "Could be's?" when it comes to Eliot and his feelings on "Pretzels"  
Them three just play off of each other so well that it's really hard to resist not doing something of the such so...  
Here's my take on the "Once was" and the "Still is" (May I say it was heavily influenced by my "Sad songs" playlist)  
Let me know whatcha think!**

* * *

**When You Go**

With a sigh Eliot slid his arm from under Parker's head, flipping around on the bed so he was turned from where she was sleeping peacefully.

He knew this was wrong, never had it been right, yet never had he once turned her away.  
She'd show out of the blue with those sad doe eyes insisting she had made a grave mistake and just like that she'd be forgiven.  
No matter the crime she'd be pardoned because bad as he'd hate to say, he knew how good it would be to lay her next to him, even if it be just for the night.

She'd whisper words that would make him believe they were together.  
Offer touches, kisses, and caresses that said she'd be there forever.

At first he had thought she'd regretted her decision to move on.  
Then he'd simply reasoned she was lonely, wanting warm arms to hold her.  
But as time passed and she continued to show, even after beginning to date Hardison, he started seeing things for what they were.  
She didn't want someone to hold her, she needed someone to control her.

And he did.

Whatever Parker wanted she got.  
All she had to do was say the word, all she had to do was kiss him, swear that she missed him and down he'd go.  
Just like he had every time before.

Problem was he wasn't really what she wanted.  
He wasn't ever gonna be.  
He was no more than someone she'd come to in need.

Come daylight she'd be gone.  
Just in time to greet his best friend with a good morning kiss and life would move on.  
They'd continue to pretend that none of it ever happened.  
He'd go in to work and joke with the man like he hadn't betrayed him in one of the highest forms.  
Pretend that he wasn't living a life of scandalous lies.

Until next time she called him up.  
Or would she show at his door?  
Perhaps sneak through a window.

However it be that she came it was with arms wide open that he'd greet her; knowing his night would be filled with sinful regret.  
Spent taking as much as he gave; getting through the night by living for it.  
He would allow himself to ignore that she'd lie.  
He'd falsely believe in the promises that she wouldn't say goodbye.  
Blantantly overlook the fact that she did every time.

With a huff he rolled back into the warmth they had created, tucking an arm around her as he did so.  
If he listened hard enough he could still hear her declaration of love.  
Maybe if he tried hard enough this time he could actually believe it.  
In the very least he could say it was true on his part.

The silence and his thoughts were interrupted by a sound that was half sigh, half snore.  
It brought a smile to his face and uneasiness to his mind, heart, and soul.

This was wrong, it wasn't right, yet he knew he wouldn't stop it.

As long as she continued needing something more he'd continue providing it.  
No matter how she spent her days or who with he'd continue to save her his nights.  
It was a fact that he no longer bothered to deny; even if it simply be to himself.

With a guiltily sated mind he shut his eyes breathing in a scent that was pure Parker as he slithered closer.  
Yeah he'd continue… be it for the sole fact that she'd never cut him deep enough to tell her no.

Besides, he knew it would hurt a lot worse when she'd go.


	2. Chapter 2

**A Few Months Later**

A creaking from behind had him closing the kitchen cupboard with a resonated  
sigh as he placed his newly retrieved glass to the side. "This has gotta stop Parker."

"But we haven't even started yet." She whispered from behind with amusement that tickled his throat.

"You should go home." It was near a plea as he turned around to face her with reluctance.

"I am home." She spoke with such certain honesty that it was hard not to believe her himself.

"Parker" It was the closest he could come to a warning as she started toying with the hem of his shirt.

"You're home Eliot." And down he went.  
Those three words suddenly making everything alright for the moment.  
Turning all his logic and reasoning to mush as she snuggled closer with an offered kiss.

"Parker" He barely managed as she tried to take his remaining breath away. "It's wrong"

"Who wants to be right?"

He knew that look in her eyes.  
That deceitful glimmer that said she'd soon be promising him  
the moon if it meant she got what she wanted any sooner. "Believe it or not I do Parker."

"Eliot," She all but pouted as she ran her fingers down his sides. "I've missed you."

Oh how he'd like to swear to the contrary but he wasn't the liar in this little game of theirs. "I've missed you too."

"Then?" She gave him a quick peck on the lips as she stared at him with confusion; never had he denied her so persistently.

"It isn't right." He detangled himself from her in an attempt to regain some control as he moved to the living room.

"Why are you judging it?" She had thought Eliot would be the last person on earth to judge her but apparently that wasn't so.

"Don't I of all people have that right?" She sounded hurt and it hurt him to hear. "I'm living it ya know."

"Eliot," She placed a hand on his shoulder as she offered a comforting squeeze. "I want you."

"Parker please," He squeezed her hand as he removed it from his shoulder. He knew what she wanted and it wasn't him. "please just stop."

"Don't you want me?" She whispered almost somberly as she followed him right around the other side of the couch.

"Yes Parker!" There was no use in trying to put space between them; she just wasn't going to have it. "I want you like a child wants candy! I need you like a drunk needs a drink! I crave you like a junky does his next high!" His voice broke in something close to desperation. "But I can't have you."

"Why not?" Once again she inched her way up until her arms were wrapped around his neck. "I won't stop you."

"Parker" He dropped his forehead to hers with frustration, easily relenting as she pressed her lips to his. Desperately he wanted to get lost in the warmth of her mouth, the teasing of her tongue, but his mind wouldn't stop screaming at him that it was wrong and eventually he pulled away.

"What?" Parker breathed out in disappointment as he once again distanced himself.

"You're not mine." He started pacing in front of the couch in frustration, or was it exasperation?

"But I can be."

"No you can't!" It all but destroyed him to hear how close to a promise that sounded. "You'll never be mine!"

"Why?" She questioned as she sat on the edge of his armchair.  
Never in all the time she had known him had she ever seen him as worked up as he was now.

"Because you're his," Eliot was close to a whisper as he sunk to the couch.  
"and even when you were mine you weren't mine. It was never what you wanted."

"Eliot what's wrong with you?" She didn't recognize this man; he certainly wasn't the Eliot she knew.

"I've been asking myself that for a long time now Parker." He huffed out as he hung his head.

"Seriously Eliot," She stood in anger. She didn't like this, not even one little bit. "What's your problem!"

"YOU!" It fell from his mouth so suddenly that it surprised him, opening up a flood gate that even he wouldn't try to close. "You're my problem Parker! I sit around this damn place wishing and wanting you to show up and I hate myself for it!" He stood with agitation that simply wouldn't be expelled. "I hate that I can't even sleep in my own bed anymore because it kills me to know I'll wake up and you won't be there! You sneak in and sneak out takin' what you want just like a common thief!"

"I am a thief!" She broke into his rant, feeling as if she was being attacked.

"Trust me I know," Eliot outright yelled. "You've stolen my sanity! I can't eat, I can't drink, I can't breathe without thinking about you and it drives me insane! You just come and go as you please not caring about the damage you cause! Not carin' that the second you walk out that door I'm on the other side prayin' it won't be long before you're coming back through it yet hoping that you stay the hell away once and for all!" There she stood with not a word to say against it and it had him wondering if she even understood where he was coming from. "I can't do this anymore Parker."

"It is what it is Eliot." She crossed her arms as she watched him with caution. "Why do you have to make it so complicated?"

"It...It..." His voice kept on catching on the word; he couldn't believe what she had just said. "Why do I have to make it so complicated?" He felt like screaming, which he soon did. "Because I fucking love you! I love you Parker and it doesn't mean a damn thing! Whether I like it or not you're gonna take off and I'm gonna be left here to pick up the pieces and I'm tired of picking up pieces Parker because I don't even have 'em all anymore! They're gone and I ain't getting them back but I ain't losing anymore either. I'm shutting us down and walking away while I've still got something left."

"But I need you." She looked close to tears and it had some unwillingly forming in his eyes.

"That's the problem Darlin'," He ignored the moisture that slid onto his cheek as he cleared his throat. "You've never needed me."

"That's not true." Even through the hurt she was portraying it didn't sound quite genuine.

"Yes it is… and you know it. I'm the one that needs you to need me but I've come to realize that that ain't ever gonna happen. You just aren't gonna be what completes my world." He really had thought he would never tell her no but somewhere along the line he began to accept the fact that it was time for her to go.

"I can be." Parker swore as she looked longingly up at him; she didn't like goodbyes.

It was almost as promising as the first time and something within him wanted desperately to cling to that hope but he knew it would be of no use. "No you can't. You'll never change and as much as it hurts me to admit it I love you all the more just knowing that."

"I'm sorry" She walked up to him with the intentions of giving him a hug but with one look into those big watery puppy eyes he was pulling her into a kiss.

It was slow and sorrowful blended with the taste of tears that couldn't be blamed on just one of them.  
It was tinged with a sense of loss at what never really was but so beautifully could have been.  
Tainted with the mistakes of love and lust rolled into one, but most importantly savored.  
Captured in memories that would represent the end of their twisted tale.

"I really am sorry" Parker ushered a moment or so after he pulled away.  
She really didn't understand how she could be feeling like victim and violator all at once.

"I know" Once more he dropped his forehead to hers squeezing his eyes shut  
as he fell into the soothing rhythm of breathing in every breath she breathed out.

"I should leave." She could no longer handle the open pain he was showing her.  
It made her feel almost as bad as that little voice asking why she had even come.  
Why she continuously bothered to show when she had a good man waiting for her.  
Honestly she didn't know why she did it; there was just something that drew her in like a bug to a light.

He nodded his head as he kissed her temple but it was a while before he actually let her go and just as soon as he did she was gone.  
For a moment he simply stood there letting it actually sink in before he slowly turned back to the kitchen.  
His glass was retrieved and the tap turned on, liquid quickly filling its space, but not nearly as quickly as the emotions filling his mind.

She was gone, this was it, he had gotten what he'd wanted.  
She wouldn't be returning, this had been the final goodbye, and somehow in  
some way though it pained him so, that knowledge made it hurt a little less to see her go.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Same Night**

With a long winded sigh Hardison turned his gaze from the window.

She wouldn't be showing tonight.

There was never any pattern to the visits but he just knew.  
A few days before hand a distance would start to settle in her eyes and it wasn't much longer before she left.

He hadn't known where to at first but after waking up one night to find her missing curiosity got the best of him and he'd started to track her.  
Every search, time after time, he'd find her in the same place and every time a little more trust broke and a little more hurt spread.

He hated the day he had chosen to leave that blissfully ignorant bubble,  
hated Eliot for popping it, and he hated himself for the sole fact that he no longer hated Eliot.

Long ago the day had come to confront the man, and he almost had.  
He'd been so close to yelling and screaming, accusing and judging but he hadn't.  
Instead he took the time to really look at the other and saw something that both killed and thrilled him.

He wasn't alone.

Right there in Eliot's eyes sat the same longing and pain; the same feelings of inadequacy.  
They were in the same boat, had joined the same club, and in some twisted way he felt like it had strengthened their bond.

With another sigh he moved to the couch but there was nothing relaxed about it as his shoulders slumped and his head dropped.

"God Parker" She had turned his world upside down.  
He had jumped in heart first not stopping to think that it might actually hurt, but it had.  
Every time she went over there it killed him just a little bit more but still he kept quiet.  
He suffered in silence for the simple fact that he refused to jeopardize what they had started to build.

He'd given her his all but it wasn't good enough; Eliot offered something he just couldn't and that thought pissed him off.  
It made his blood boil… until he realized that she'd come back to him.  
No matter how long their night lasted she was right back with him the next day and that's where she'd stay; sometimes for weeks at a time.

In a sick way it made him feel slightly better about the situation.

Even if he couldn't give her everything she wanted he still gave her more of it than Eliot did.  
She still spent all of her days and the majority of her nights with him.  
At the end of it all he was still the one that got to call her his girl.

Somehow though it made him feel as if he too was betraying Eliot; causing pain that wasn't strictly necessary.  
It made him want to drag Eliot to a bar and confront him just so that they could drown their miseries and curse the day she had warmed her way under their skin. Curse the fact that they foolishly allowed themselves to be dragged around by the nose solely because they loved her.

Yes, he knew that Eliot loved her.  
Eliot loved her at least as much as he himself did and that was another reason he couldn't hate him.  
He knew the absolute pain of handing out your whole heart and not having it completely reciprocated.  
It was an evil torture but it hurt a little less to know Eliot was feeling it too, that it was theirs to share.

Only he hated him all over again for the fact that they had to share it.  
Eliot was the emblem of strength; he was all mind, body, and muscle.  
So why in all his vigor couldn't he stand strong against a tiny blonde thief?

So many times he had asked himself that but never had he quite come up with a satisfactory answer.  
The only conclusion he had come to said that if a man that stubborn and mighty could be brought down than he didn't stand a chance.  
He couldn't wage a war like that; he no longer had that much to lose.

Besides he didn't want to fight against it.  
He wanted everything Parker would give him plus some.  
He wanted to show her that he was here and waiting.  
He wanted her to realize that if it meant she would love him anymore he'd gladly visit the pits of hell.

But most of all he wanted her to figure out what she wanted.  
He wanted her to tell him what that was so he could finally figure out what he was doing wrong.  
However still even more selfishly so he wanted Eliot to find the will to be strong enough for the both of them.

Desperately he wished Eliot would grow tired of this game.  
He futilely hoped that the man would put an end to it.  
Quietly urged him to conclude something that he himself never would.

A blow like that might make Eliot stumble but he knew at the end of the day he'd be tough enough to take it square on the chin.  
As for him though; he'd be finished, it would ruin him, plain and simply it'd be game over.  
Just that thought scared him all the more into praying that Eliot would do something.

It was with resentment at his own cowardice that he heard the door open, soon turning to see who was intruding.  
Rarely did Parker use the door and never had she ever before made a sound coming through it.

"Parker" He stood in wonder as he moved to meet her half way.  
He simply didn't understand why she was here when she had chosen to be… well there. "Baby what's wrong?"

She didn't answer him, choosing instead to throw her arms around him and squeeze him for all he was worth.

"Hey now, don't cry." The puffiness of her eyes and the tears on her face had him wanting to pull back but she just clung  
to him tighter as she shook silently with sobs. Something had obviously upset her but he didn't know what that was until he pulled her closer.  
A smell he had unwillingly come to know as Eliot wafted into his nose and suddenly… he understood.

Eliot had fought the unbeatable foe…  
He had beared the unbearable sorrow…  
He had righted the unrightable wrong…  
He had run where he himself dared not go…  
He had found the strength to stand alone.

Though he wasn't sure if they were of gratitude or relief his own tears started to well as he pulled Parker closer.  
The sudden feeling of freedom that flowed with them was nearly knee buckling.  
Eliot had found his strength and for that he loved him.


End file.
